The thing is, I've been depressed.

Not, like, sad. That's not what I mean. I mean depressed, as in the more clinical definition of the thing. Unmotivated, feeling worthless, empty. That kind of thing.

I have another blog which I haven't touched in weeks. Both of these were going great for a while and now, well, not much.

I wrote a long poem last night in a sketchy setting. Often, sketchy settings inspire me a bit. I was slightly inspired, even though I don't think it was really all that coherent or meaningful. But, at least I wrote something.

I'm thinking about going home soon. What I mean is, I'm going home soon, and I'm thinking about it. The house will be empty, except for our dogs, who are great, but they're just dogs after all. There are really only three people in the entire world who I look forward to seeing these days. And by these days I mean the last seven months or more. My boys and my girlfriend. Everyone else can go blow. And none of them will be at my house when I get home. No one will be there, just me and our dogs.

I'll eat something. Probably some potato chips. I have a bag of Lay's Limited Edition Montery Pepper Jack potato chips. They're pretty good. I'll probably have some of those. Maybe I'll make some crappy soup. There's a chicken in the fridge, chicken in the fridge, chicken in the fridge (take-off), but even though it's a baby chicken, it's huge and overwhelming to think about cooking it.

It's raining out. My office has the heat turned up. Therefore it's stuffy.

I'm in a writing contest. I find out in the next two days if I advance to the next round (there's only two rounds). I always lose things like that.

So, there it is, for now. Maybe more later.

Man, I just read this. What a bunch of angst crap. Sorry.



- posted by seanmh @ 3:59 PM

 

I've been away.

Well, I've been right here the whole time, actually, but I haven't been posting. Obviously.

Posting takes thought and energy and desire. I haven't had much of those lately. Life is difficult, but I've been trying to come up with something to say that you don't already know. Hence my lack of posting.

I'm doing a little bit of writing and a little bit of relaxation. My girl and I went to a nearby town this weekend to check out the habitability of it (not sure if that's a word, but I'll go with it anyway). It was cool. We liked it.

Jim Croce is playing on someone else's radio. Finally.

I'll see you tomorrow, maybe.


- posted by seanmh @ 4:45 PM

 

There is a chill and I feel it whenever I close my eyes.

Nothing comes in through the plastic in these walls; it must be surreal.

The fact is, I can’t explain everything. Not everything always corresponds with facts. I don’t know why this is, except to say that it makes sense. At least there is an internal consistency with the unknown.

We have a handle on some things. There are some things we know. For instance, we know that the universe is an ever-expanding sphere that has continued to grow ever since the Big Bang.

Actually, we don’t know that anymore. Researchers have recently decided that the data shows that the universe is likely contained within a soccer ball-like sphere, with the surface being composed of equally-sized panels. They don’t have any insight yet as to what’s on the other side.

Things change so rapidly these days. I can’t keep up. And I don’t want to, either.

Let me know when you’ve got it all figured out. Tell me about the universe and God and creation and ghosts and time travel and the dinosaurs when you really know. I don’t want to spend my time learning theories, and I don’t really think that my kids should waste their time learning this stuff as if it were the gospel truth when all it really is is someone’s interpretation of filtered and flawed and incomplete data. If you’re going to teach it, at least admit that you’re just pretending. Teach us for the advancement of our theoretical minds, not for the notion that we’re getting the real story.

I don’t know where I was going with this.

Three years ago, a time traveler from the year 2036 visited our time and answered hundreds of questions in internet forums. He showed us his time machine and gave a brief explanation on the theories upon which it was based. At least from a theoretical standpoint, it made sense. He left in 2001 to go back to 2036, to an America that was (is, will be ?) very different from the one we know right now. I didn’t see that on CNN. But I did see coverage about a shipload of plutonium that never existed.

A hundred people died in a boating accident in Nigeria over the weekend. If that had happened in France, I’d be telling you something you already knew. And we don’t even like the French.

If we don’t know what’s going on in Africa, how can we claim to understand what’s going on 10 trillion light years from here?

How can we even explore what’s going on 10 trillion light years from here unless we can commit to learning what’s happening an ocean away? We’ve got a lot of fucking nerve, if you ask me.

The human mind can grasp quite a bit, yet we focus on dealing with things for which there is no evidence. We try to piece together bits of bones from reptiles with brains the size of a peanut who lived hundreds of millions of years ago just to make cool models in museums but we seem to have no interest in learning why a suicide bomber straps himself to a pack of C-4 and wanders into a restaurant full of children.

The only explanation for the suicide bomber is that he (or she) must be crazy. But we know for damn sure what the dinosaurs ate for breakfast a hundred million years ago.

Even though it’s chilly, sometimes sleep is what I need.



- posted by seanmh @ 2:17 PM

 

Why do they let people talk?

I don't know if these morons think that getting attention means getting people to like them, or what. From that fat slob Rush Limbaugh to that incompetent hag Kendel Ehrlich and now to former LPGA glamour girl, I mean, bubbly ethnocentrist Jan Stephenson, I really don't understand why people think that they can just say anything they want.

No, actually, that's not what I don't understand. What I don't understand is how people can actually think this way.

Who do they think they are? Maybe that's the problem. Maybe they think that they're somebody. But that doesn't make sense. Because simply being somebody certainly doesn't justify the moronic words that are coming out of these people's mouths.

It must have to do with attention. They must feel starved for attention. Maybe their psyche is so screwed up, then, that they actually think that any attention is good attention, and since, obviously, they're not intelligent enough to draw attention for themselves for good things, they draw attention to themselves by exposing how utterly worthless they are as members of humanity.

What a bunch of idiots.


- posted by seanmh @ 2:08 PM

 

Somebody needs to control their wife.

I've only seen a couple of news articles on this topic (this the one where Maryland governer Ehrlich's idiot wife said she wanted to shoot Britney Spears), but I haven't seen anything about public reaction to it, so I don't know if I'm making arguments that have already been made, but, here goes anyway.

This bitch is way off base. Not only does she say it, but she barely manages an apology. What's worse, a pop singer who can't get into your house and into your little girl's CD rack unless you let them, or a flippant little ignoramus posing as a responsible member of political and social society?

Mrs. Ehrlich did more to hurt anything with one phrase than Miss Spears has done in her entire career. The difference, you small example of humanity gone bad (I'm addressing Mrs. Ehrlich here), is that you are supposed to be responsible, while Miss Spears is simply an entertainer.

Children are primarily influenced by their parents, or a lack thereof. It's a proven fact. Maybe the reason that Mrs. Ehrlich is so scared of what she'd do if she had a daughter is because for one little moment in her irrelevent life she was able to recognize the truth about something. Which, in this case, is that she is a completely incompetent mother.

"Shooting someone" may be, in the worthless words of Ehrlich's spokesperson, a "figure of speech," but it is a violent figure of speech that just got a boost from a person who is in the public eye as someone who is supposed to uphold social values. What a dumb bitch. Unbelievable, the whole thing amazes me. The only reason this fool is in the public eye is because of her husband anyway. First Ladies should be brought together in a room and explained, with the careful patience of a kindergarten teacher, how to act in such a way as to not fuck anything up. Their role is strictly to be a face, not to have an opinion. And if chicks like this Ehrlich keep it up, they'll screw up the works for everyone.

I'm sorry, this isn't the best essay. But I'm supposed to be working and I don't want to get fined or anything. Bottom line, Mrs. Ehrlich, don't be such a fucking tool. Keep your trap shut. It's too bad her publicists weren't able to convince her to really apologize and to stop making light of the situation. It is a big deal, she did fuck up, and she is a million times worse than the person she criticized.

Dumbass.


- posted by seanmh @ 11:26 AM

 

Gah!

So now we can't work on our writing while we're at work? How else are we supposed to get through the day between answering phones and listening to how the weekends of people we don't care about were?

This is a blow to struggling writers everywhere, who only consider their 9-5 job to be a place to get some rest and have access to a free laser printer.


- posted by seanmh @ 11:19 AM

 

Rejection

I got three of my poems and one of my short stories rejected today, all by the same publisher.

Writers have to be able to handle rejection. It's funny, though; most of the writers I know are brutally unable to handle rejection in their personal lives, but we're all expected to be able to handle it in our professional lives. And there is a lot of it, if you're a writer. Lots of rejection. Rejection after rejection. Constantly.

And if they're not rejecting it, they're simply judging it, pointing out its flaws. Flaw after flaw after flaw.

Whoever invented this persona of the artist, they really had quite the sense of humor. Let's take a look:

Sensitive

Perceptive

Compassionate

Intense

Reflective

Moody

Self-absorbed

Defensive

Cynical

Daydreamer

Absentminded

Critical

Most artists or otherwise creative types can be described as each and all of those things at one point or another in their historic behavior. What other line of work is populated by people who have so many commonalities?

But the real personality of an artist goes beyond simply listing traits. It has to do with endless contradictions.

We're confident in our skill but extremely susceptible to criticism. On the one hand, we want everyone in the world to see our craft, but on the other, as soon as the cloud of rejection or criticism comes down, we want to throw everything away for fear of its seeing the light of day.

We see the beauty of life, in a flower, in a sunset, in a smile or a kind act. But we also see the horror of life, in a word, in a look, in a thought.

We love to work our art, we love to engage our talents and make a cohesive piece of art that moves us. But we dread it, too; we fear trying for the sudden inability to create; we toil over it with all of the hate and fear of Frankenstein and his monster.

While we enjoy the fact that we are able to create, we often resent the hold it has over us. Many writers will tell you that they don't write because they want to, but because they have to. The idea of giving up your art is unthinkable. But, sometimes, it feels like the only thing that could ever make us happy.

And we desire success, it's true. For a number of reasons, of course, but I think that there are two primary ones:

1. The need to be recognized
2. The desire to become self-sufficient as an artist

The first speaks more to our psyches, while the second speaks to a more practical issue, which is that we have come to accept our fate as perpetual artists.

But whatever the reason, artists will forever attempt to be recognized and become self-sufficient (paid). We'll do this endlessly, regardless of the endless rejection. And it comes.

Every book you pick up that purports to help you get published will tell you that all successful writers must be able to deal with rejection. Practical and useful advice, to be sure, but they don't tell you how to go about this. It's not easy to simply overcome my entire psychological makeup simply because it's the best way to deal with things.

I look at rejection as just another thing that I can't handle, but that I must. It kills me, it makes me doubt everything, it makes me question my talent, my insights, and even my own self.

But when I look around me, it's really hard to find anything that doesn't question everything about myself. In that way rejection by a would-be publisher is no different from my job, my family, my religion, my choice of food, my choice of pastimes, my choice of cars. Such is the personality of an artist. We think and worry about everything.

So I try to put it in perspective. Sure, rejection is rough, but so is life, and at least those would-be publishers hold in their hands a possibility that little else in my life provides: the chance for recognition and financial support.

If I can live life risking constant self-doubt for little reward, surely I can carry on with the submission game.

So I'll shrug it off as best I can, but don't try to stop me from saving those rejection letters so I can look at them later and remind myself that I'm a talentless hack.

- posted by seanmh @ 9:22 AM

 

Well, now I've gone and done it.

I registered with The National Novel Writing Month website. My girlfriend is going to kill me. We have no money, we have tons of things we need to accomplish, and she hates it when I'm tired.

Chalk it up to workaday boredom, lack of appropriate fear of the unknown, or just a cheap way to get more readers to come to my website and read my brilliant essays. Whichever it is, I'm doing it.

This means that the month of November must result in a novel from me. I'm pretty good at spontaneous writing, and it's only 50,000 words anyway, which isn't really a huge novel. And, by then, the World Series will have ended and I'll only be watching 24. So I should be ok.

I'll keep you posted on my progress. Wish me luck.


- posted by seanmh @ 2:56 PM

 

Check it out.

That's a great site. It has a dictionary, a thesaurus, a computer dictionary and a dream dictionary. And it's a very clean, well-designed site. It's a pretty cool thing to keep handy while you're writing or reading on the web.

Now if I could only figure out how to have them give me money for endorsements...


- posted by seanmh @ 10:04 AM

 

I wonder what happens to other people when I close my eyes.

Do they disappear? Do they just stop doing whatever it is they're doing and wait for me to open my eyes again? Do they start laughing?

If this is only my dream, they're not really here. You're not really here. There. You're not really there. You're only in my head. And as far as me, I'm only in your head.

So we'd better not both close our eyes at the same time. God knows what could happen.


- posted by seanmh @ 4:14 PM

 

So I've succeeded in removing Rush Limbaugh from the ESPN football broadcast, and for that I give myself a nice pat on the back.

The last thing I have to give you on that topic is this:

Rush Limbaugh is overrated. He's gotten by on the coattails of a resurgence by the right over the past decade, but he really hasn't done that much on his own. I think what we're seeing here is a societal thing; there is a desire in political media to make it seem like Big Fat Assholes can succeed in positions of influence.
-Anonymous

OK, on to other things...

I watched ER last night. I don't watch it all the time, but I do follow it.

So fucking what?

You're a loser for watching prime time soap operas.

Kiss off, fucker. What I was trying to say before I was interrupted by myself was that I am now inspired by ER to find out lots of news information about Africa. It's not like I'm completely ignorant to the fact that there are lots of civil wars over there and that tons of people are abused or killed there constantly, but I really have no details. I want details.

And so my search begins.


- posted by seanmh @ 12:02 PM

 

Oh yeah, baby, I'm in quite the mood today.

Hey, Dumbass, get your head out of your ass!

Rush, ever hear of Jimmy the Greek? Howard Cosell? Even if you're so fucking stupid to have in your mind to say what you said in any forum, are you even still so fucking stupid as to say it specifically on the air, in the footsteps of previous outdated schmucks?

Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot (thanks to Al Franken). What a moron. This guy should be sentenced to listen to endless days and months of his own ridiculous radio program. It might just drive him to suicide, which is the only justice for this lard-ass piece of garbage.

Listen, dumbass, football is the only remaining great American sport. Don't fuck it up with your idiocy. Either grow up, grow a brain, or get the hell out.

Moron.


- posted by seanmh @ 1:38 PM

 

Fuckin Iraq.

Fuck these people. We're going to give them $20.3 billion for reconstruction. That's what Mr. Suckass President wants to do, anyway. And, chances are, it'll be approved by those asshats in Congress. Fuck them, too. Fuck him and fuck them.

$20.3 billion. That's a lot of towels. And you know those fuckers aren't going to appreciate it. We're going to build pipelines for them so they can turn around and rape us for their oil. Fuckers.

Donald "I'm a nutsack" Rumsfeld apparently bristled (or at least, according to NPR, "scowled") at the idea that was floated during Congressional discussion yesterday of making all that cash a loan instead of a handout. He was pissed because grants are what we're asking other countries for, so the U.S. shouldn't be the only one to offer a loan.

OK, first of all, since when does the U.S. give a flying fuck about appearances? Second of all, why can't other countries give loans to that sand pit instead of grants?

Anyway, it's our fucking troops who are over there getting shot at and blown up by that bunch of ungrateful Medieval camel jockeys, so why do we also have to shred the pockets of the average American taxpayer as well? In addition to losing Johnny to a taped-together bomb placed on the side of the road in some God-forsaken desert, Mr. and Mrs. Jones have to shell out the cash they were hoping to use for their fatherless grandchildren to take them to fucking Disneyworld so the kids could try to forget for one small moment that George W. "Slappy" Bush sent their dad into combat on a personal vendetta in order to make money for his corporate hag cronies.

And what's the money going to go for, anyway? To give the Iraqis working pipelines, working electric grids, working airports, hospitals, schools, universities, etc., in order to foster further hatred of the western world in order to raise even more angry little fuckers dreaming of heavenly virgins? What the fuck is the point. I say bomb the whole lot of them. Any country that doesn't have a cable television and internet company should just be wiped off the face of the earth right now because they're not helping, they're not contributing, they're just fucking jealous, and all they're going to do is suck up to the outdated whims of their ancient society and fall on their knees before the backwards religious leaders of their nations who think they're still fighting King Fucking Arthur.

Do we honestly think that without Saddam Hussein, Iraq is suddenly filled with Arab Buddhas running around drinking Coke and playing in fields? Yeah, he gassed his own people, but he didn't gas all of them, and the ones he didn't gas are the ones who liked him and those are the ones that are still there. We're devoting $20.3 billion for what? To "help" a country that doesn't want our help? To fund a nation in a region which hasn't had a non-violent country and a non-Western-hating country at any point in modern history? Do we honestly think that we can change things? Fuck that. All we're doing is building schools for them to train their Godless children to hate us.

Maybe if all that money was going to some serious brainwashing camps, I could understand it. But it's not, is it?

$20.3 billion. Fuck them. Divide that into 300 million Americans and you give everyone $67 bucks. I'll take that so I can pay my fucking electric bill this month since I can't get a decent job in this epically shitty economy that BushWacker has bestowed on us. Drop a big fucking bomb, give every American $67, and be done with it.


- posted by seanmh @ 9:39 AM